SkyVale Airlines announced Tuesday that its revolutionary “Stack Seating” program has delivered record-breaking returns for investors, cementing the carrier’s reputation as an industry innovator.
The configuration, formally branded as the SkyLofa™, replaces conventional rows with vertical “Stack Pods,” where passengers are arranged in snug, foam-lined compartments. Each pod column accommodates up to five travelers, with amenities including a recycled yoga mat, an air vent positioned six inches from the nose, and a shared cup holder.
Company officials emphasized that boarding is conducted through a color-coded stacking sequence, with lower-tier passengers boarding first, followed by intermediate levels, and finally those assigned to the upper tiers. Executives note this method “maximizes boarding efficiency while minimizing idle cabin time.”
Early passenger feedback has been colorful, if not universally flattering. “It was like being the meat in a very anxious sandwich,” said Ellen D., who flew on a trial run between Cleveland and Orlando. “At one point, I felt someone’s AirPod fall into my mouth. I just… accepted it.”
Shareholders, however, remain delighted. “Since introducing Stack Seating, SkyVale has seen a 12 percent increase in revenue per square inch of cabin space,” said Chief Executive Marjorie Landon. “And shareholder value has never been higher.”
For travelers seeking greater control, the airline has rolled out StackFlex™, a premium upgrade allowing customers to preselect their position in the human column for an additional $39.99.
Industry observers predict copycats are already in development, with rumored concepts including Lap Class™ (passengers seated on one another’s laps), AeroCoffin™ (a sealed carbon-fiber pod), and CrowdCabin™ (a standing-room communal hover arrangement).
At press time, SkyVale executives capped a triumphant earnings call by previewing their next frontier in onboard efficiency: Pay-Per-Squat™ toilets.
