Anyone can attend a baptism. But commanding presence—that’s a science. While your family shows up to celebrate spiritual rebirth, you’re here for psychological ascension. The modern man must know how to bend social energy, disrupt attention patterns, and project effortless authority—even when standing next to a baby in a frilly bonnet. 1. Dress to Disrupt […]
Budget Cuts at NASA Spell the End of Axe Throwing Night on ISS
In a move described by many as “short-sighted” and “morale-crushing,” NASA has announced that budget constraints will force the International Space Station to cancel one of its most beloved weekly traditions: Axe Throwing Night. For years, the event has served as a vital stress outlet for astronauts dealing with the mental fatigue of long-duration missions. […]
‘So What Do You Think?’ and Other Phrases to Jar Your Man Back into the Present Moment
It’s a tale as old as time: a woman sharing her thoughts, feelings, and the emotional throughline of a cousin’s destination wedding—and the man beside her realizing, too late, that he left his soul somewhere around “floral color palette.” Fear not. When your partner drifts into the ethereal plane known as Whatever He’s Thinking About […]
Psychic Blindsided by IRS Audit
CINCINNATI, OH — Local clairvoyant and former small-business owner Madame Celeste expressed shock this week after receiving notice of an IRS audit, calling the event “completely unexpected.” Celeste, who operated her psychic-reading parlor for nearly two decades, said she had “no reason to believe” such a review was imminent. “I’ve always tried to stay in […]
New Platinum National Park Pass Includes Unlimited Moving Sidewalks
In a bold push toward modernization, the U.S. Department of the Interior has unveiled its new Platinum National Park Pass, a premium-tier access program that includes—among other amenities—unlimited use of climate-controlled moving sidewalks, scenic escalators, and “restoration alcoves” stocked with flavored electrolyte mist. The initiative, a public-private partnership with RecTech Solutions and FlowPath Global, aims […]
This ‘Smart Toilet’ Will Screen You For 107 Disease Markers and Update Your Healthcare Premiums in Real Time
Medical startup Neuraloo has unveiled the ExcreScan™ — a sleek, Wi-Fi–enabled smart toilet capable of analyzing waste for over 100 disease markers while seamlessly syncing health risk data to your medical insurance provider. “Early detection is critical,” said BioSentry CEO Travis Neel, “but actuarial accuracy is even more critical. That’s why we’ve prioritized real-time premium […]
Woman with 80-Hour Work Week Regrets Forgetting to Manifest Abundance
TOLEDO, OH — Local food service professional and night cashier Rachel Moreno, 34, reportedly admitted Thursday that her ongoing financial hardship may stem from her repeated failure to consciously vibrate at the frequency of unlimited wealth. Despite working two jobs and sleeping an estimated four hours per night, Moreno expressed regret that she “just kept […]
Secular Humanist Family Dispenses Copies of ‘The God Delusion’ in Lieu of Candy
BOULDER, CO — Saying they “refuse to perpetuate irrational belief systems,” local residents Greg and Linda Rowe placed a large bowl of Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion on their porch Tuesday night, inviting trick-or-treaters to “take one, think critically, and grow.” Neighbors reported mixed reactions, with some children disappointed by the lack of candy and […]
Booking Error Leads to GWAR Concert at Legacy Acres Retirement Village
BLOOMINGTON, IN — Residents of Legacy Acres Retirement Village were treated—or subjected—to an unexpected musical experience Thursday evening after a booking error brought legendary shock-rock band GWAR to perform in the community room usually reserved for bingo, devotional hour, and the occasional ukulele recital. The concert, initially intended for the nearby Bloomington Civic Center, began […]
Pimp Your Profile: How to Stand Out on Dating Sites
In today’s hyper-competitive dating economy, men are under increasing pressure to differentiate themselves from the endless parade of fish photos, gym selfies, and “just here for a good time” disclaimers. Experts say that standing out is no longer a matter of honesty or charm—it’s a matter of branding. “Your dating profile is essentially your personal […]