CLEVELAND, OH — Local proctologist Dr. Martin Kelner has reportedly exhausted “every reasonable option” in his search for a missing wedding ring that vanished sometime between appointments Tuesday morning. Kelner told reporters he began by checking the sink drain, glove boxes, and laundry pockets before moving on to less likely spots such as the centrifuge, […]
Student Loan CEO Makes Snow Angel on Pile of Nation’s Dreams Deferred
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what onlookers described as a “heartwarming display of executive playfulness,” Thomas K. Delaney, CEO of National Academic Loan Systems, was seen on Wednesday afternoon joyfully making snow angels atop a massive pile of shredded loan deferment notices. The act, captured during a quarterly team-building event, was described by company officials as […]
Google Launches ‘Street View Live’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google has announced Street View Live, a new feature that lets users explore neighborhoods in real time, thanks to an expanded network of drones, plus cameras mounted on homes, vehicles, and utility poles. The company describes the program as “the next logical step in transparency,” promising a constantly updating feed of […]
Revealed at Last! The Dance Moves to The Nicene Creed
VATICAN CITY — In what the Holy See is calling “a joyous revelation for the faithful,” Pope Leo XIV announced Monday the unearthing of a centuries-old manuscript from the Vatican Secret Archives—containing what scholars now identify as The Dance Moves to the Nicene Creed. The document, officially titled Choreographia Symbolum Nicaenum, is believed to have […]
Liberal Motorcycle Gang Threatens Rivals with Restorative Justice Circle
Authorities in three states are reporting increased tensions between rival biker organizations after the emergence of a new group calling itself the “Compassion Riders.” Unlike conventional motorcycle gangs, the Compassion Riders are said to intimidate rivals not with chains or knives, but with the threat of convening a structured restorative justice circle. Witnesses describe the […]
Airline Finds Enduring Shareholder Value with “Stack Seating”
SkyVale Airlines announced Tuesday that its revolutionary “Stack Seating” program has delivered record-breaking returns for investors, cementing the carrier’s reputation as an industry innovator. The configuration, formally branded as the SkyLofa™, replaces conventional rows with vertical “Stack Pods,” where passengers are arranged in snug, foam-lined compartments. Each pod column accommodates up to five travelers, with […]
How I Turned Personal Connections and Gobs of Generational Wealth into a $125 Million Disruption Machine
By Bryce Wellington IV People often ask me how I did it—how I took an idea, some drive, and a few family resources, and built it into a $125 million company that’s redefining the way the world works. The answer is simple: mindset. That, and the ability to call my dad’s golfing partners when I […]