I want to thank everyone for supporting my GoFundMe in advance of the incident that will lead to my termination next Thursday at approximately 2:17 p.m. Mountain Time. As most of you already know from my earlier updates, the situation has not happened yet, but all signs point to its inevitability.
According to my own projections, I will be standing in the break room microwaving my leftover enchiladas when a coworker—most likely Brent, though HR records will eventually redact his name—will refer to me as cisgender in a tone I interpret as dismissive. At that point, based on years of accumulated evidence and a deep familiarity with my personal fuse length, I will launch into a monologue that will begin as a spirited clarification and escalate rapidly into what management will later describe as a “sustained verbal performance piece.”
Though none of this has occurred yet, I have already drafted my written warning, prepared my cardboard box, and scheduled the meeting with HR for 10 a.m. Friday morning. They do not know about this meeting yet, but they will once the email arrives.
I’ve estimated that my forthcoming rant—currently in outline form and expected to run just under six minutes—will be deemed incompatible with the company’s values, resulting in my immediate dismissal and the revocation of my building badge. Because of this, I am proactively seeking financial support to cover the gap between my termination and whatever future employment I secure in an industry that appreciates my commitment to linguistic precision.
If you’d like to help me navigate this upcoming but fully avoidable crisis, the GoFundMe link is available below. Your contributions will support my transition into the next phase of my career, which I anticipate beginning as soon as I finish next Thursday’s speech.
