CLEVELAND, OH — Local proctologist Dr. Martin Kelner has reportedly exhausted “every reasonable option” in his search for a missing wedding ring that vanished sometime between appointments Tuesday morning.
Kelner told reporters he began by checking the sink drain, glove boxes, and laundry pockets before moving on to less likely spots such as the centrifuge, the potted ficus, and “that drawer everyone pretends is for tongue depressors.” When those searches proved fruitless, he expanded the effort to include the employee break room microwave, a model skeleton, and the inside of a stress ball shaped like a colon.
“I’m confident it’ll turn up somewhere,” Kelner said.
The clinic has since posted a sign at the front desk reading: If you see something, say something.
